By Nicole Guappone

It might sound weird, but hear us out! Having sex with your clothes on can create a sense of safety, excitement, or even taboo. The vibe totally depends on what road you decide to go down because there’s actually more to the idea of having sex with clothes on than meets the eye. 

If you have pelvic pain and/or experience pain with sex, you may be looking for new ways to experience sexual intimacy and pleasure with yourself or partner(s), especially if your pain has made it difficult to have sex that way you used to (ie you used to enjoy penetration, but now penetration is off the table). 

We’ve talked about expanding our ideas of foreplay before, as well as how sex can be so much more than PIV. But what would you think if we said sex with clothes on doesn’t have to be (just) a barrier, but can make sexy times even hotter or more playful? We spoke with pelvic floor PT and sexuality educator Heather Edwards about all the goodness that can come from literally slipping into something a little more comfortable. 

Create feelings of safety

Basically, if you experience painful sex, keeping your clothes on can help you engage in sex in a way that feels safer. “Clothes act as a fantastic barrier to places that we don’t want to engage,” Edwards says. “So instead of putting a big X with a Sharpie over a place on your body you don’t want touched, you can just stay clothed to create that boundary.” Aside from clothing painting a no-go zone, that barrier may ease any pain you experience with direct skin-on-skin touch. 

Are we talking underwear, multiple layers of clothes, what? That is totally up to you! There aren’t any rules or “right” or “wrong” ways to do this. If you experience genital pain with touch, you may want to keep your undies and pants on. If you don’t necessarily have pain with touching or rubbing, but you don’t want to engage in penetrative sex, maybe you just stick with your underwear (pick the pair that makes you feel your best!). It isn’t necessary to have a barrier if you aren’t going to have penetrative sex, but for some folks, it may feel safer. It’s a reminder for your partner, and it may just give you some peace of mind.

Break the “rules”

“In general, there are lots of different structures that we exist within when it comes to learning about sex,” Edwards says. “Religion, culture, and movies often tell us that sex is this one specific thing.” We’ve probably all heard the baseball analogy: first base, second base, third base, homerun. The meanings of each may have shifted from generation to generation, but the idea is the same—these are all other peoples’ rules! 

“When you can allow yourself to grasp that other peoples’ rules don’t apply, and you can actually create your own rules for yourself, then sex and sexuality can start being the things that actually bring you pleasure and that make you want more of it and make you happy to engage,” Edwards continues.

Something we’re told is that it’s weird if we don’t take all of our clothes off for sex…unless it’s something very specific like a miniskirt that leaves little to the imagination or a random accessory like a hat or shoes. If you like all or any of those things, great! But if you don’t, that’s cool. YOU get to decide what clothes staying on are hot.

You don’t have to have sex the way you think you “should” or are expected to…do it the way you want to instead! Or if you are someone who likes rules, create your own! 

Expand your pleasure rather than limiting it

Oftentimes if we have pelvic pain (or any kind of chronic pain that affects our sex lives), we think about all of the things we can’t do. We get caught up on certain sex acts being preferred as the “default” compared to other types of intimacy (sex) that “don’t count.”

“The default,” Edwards says, “can be delicious, but also, what do we do when we know the default works for us? It doesn’t tend to push us to expand our horizons or to adventure and explore.” 

Pelvic pain can be a barrier, sure. Or it can be something that pushes us to actually expand our sexual horizons and bring more pleasure and more fulfillment to our lives. 

Maybe you’ll find that wearing pants and grinding up on your partner reminds you of being an excited teenager and it brings you joy! Clothing can even bring a new element of texture and pressure that may feel amazing! 

It can absolutely be difficult to think of pelvic pain as something positive, especially if it’s a new development for you. You are not the only one reading this and thinking, “easy for you to say, stranger on the internet!” But if you’re not ready to see your pelvic pain in a positive light right now, what if you just think of it as…neutral? Just something that is? 

If that’s still not possible, consider the fact that as you move through your pelvic pain healing journey, you may get to a place where that specific kind of sex you want is back on the table…but now everything else you discovered is, too! So many fun, sexy things to choose from. 

Get creative with your clothing

Having sex with your clothes on doesn’t necessarily mean wearing the clothes that you’ve worn all day or anything that’s going to make you feel less than sexy. This could be an opportunity to purchase a fun or sassy new set of pjs or those sexy underwear you wouldn’t normally spend that much on. But you don’t need to buy anything either. Do you have anything in your closet like…an old Halloween costume? This could also be an opportunity to dress up, explore role play, or wear any super fun or sexy clothes that get you in the mood but that you would typically end up stripping off for sex anyway! 

Wanna get a little kinky? Clothes can become a form of bondage, too! (Think about a button-up shirt. Undo a few buttons and it can be pulled down to hold the wearer’s arms in place.) If this feels fun and accessible for you, leaning into the frustration of having less range of motion and eroticizing it can potentially put you in a new kind of headspace. 

“Turn it into a game!” Edwards suggests. “It’s not so much about what you’re wearing as it is about accessing how you want to play. The key is that you’re putting a physical barrier on something so you can let it leave your brain for a bit and then you can just focus on the things that make you happy.” 

Edwards emphasized that this is really all about setting boundaries. “Being able to set boundaries and create barriers and then having those respected creates an amazing place where we can really be free to play how we want to play.”

Remember that this isn’t an either/or situation—it’s not either you have pelvic pain or you’re able to experience pleasure. You can have pelvic pain and still experience pleasure. You may discover new things that turn you on, light you up, and excite you. “This can also help you build your communication skills,” Edwards says, “such as talking to your partner, that are going to help you through everything regardless of if pelvic pain is present or not.”