By Nicole Guappone

When you’re experiencing pelvic pain, sometimes penetrative sex isn’t an option. Heck, for anyone, exploring other ways to get intimate besides having penetrative sex is a good idea. It leaves room for creativity, curiosity, and play, and there are so many ways to get it on that don’t involve putting it in. 

How taking penetrative sex off the table can help your pelvic pain

If you experience painful sex, you may dread, fear, or avoid sex altogether. You may even avoid intimacy just so it doesn’t lead to sex.

But when you think of sex, what do you think of? Does it involve penises, vaginas, and penises going into vaginas? If so, you’re not alone in your thinking. That’s how a lot of us were brought up to think about sex, if we got any sex education at all. However, with nearly a third of Gen Z identifying as LGBTQ+ (which is significantly higher than previous generations), that may be changing.

We’ve said this before, but sex can be anything you want it to be. You can have sex with another person. You can have sex with yourself.  You can use toys. You can stay clothed or get naked. You can have orgasms or not have orgasms. You get the picture.

Take the pressure off (of everyone!)

When the body experiences pain from something (like sex), it can start to anticipate pain from the same thing in the future. If you have deep dyspareunia, vestibulodynia, or any condition that causes painful penetration, deciding to take that act off the table can help you create safety. If you are going into an intimate setting and intentionally not doing the thing that sometimes (or all the time) hurts, you give yourself time to let go of the fear surrounding sex and let your body (or your vagina) breathe a sigh of relief. The more relaxed and safe we feel, the more we soften, and the easier it is to receive pleasure. 

This can also take the pressure off of your partner, especially if they’re worried about unintentionally causing you pain. Sex therapist Leighanna Nordstrom says, “when pain is a given, having a partner who knows how to take care of you and mitigate all or some pain is a beautiful thing. Also, [they] may feel guilty knowing they are ‘causing’ the pain.” If you discuss ahead of time what you can do to avoid doing something that hurts, this can help alleviate any guilt they may feel. 

Encourage more communication

If your sex often involves penetration and you’ve taken that off the table, you’re going to want to think about other things that feel good and communicate them to your partner—especially if you’ve never explored “outercourse” before. 

Talk to your partner about what it is that you really love about sex. 

• Is it being physically close? 
• Is it an emotional connection? 
• What is it about sex that makes you feel emotionally close to your partner? 
• What are some of the things your partner does that you love? 
• How can you incorporate those things into non-penetrative sexy times? 

If you need some help getting your (creative) juices flowing, here are five more of our favorite ways to explore intimacy with a partner that don’t involve penetration. 

Frottage is the new “f-word”  

1. Sexy bath time 

Showering together is fun, but if you’ve got a bathtub big enough for two (or more!), think about drawing a hot bath and soaking together. Sit on opposite sides to gaze into each other's eyes (awww) or sit with one of you in front of the other for some sexy reach around touching (oohhhh). This is also a great way to calm the nervous system and relax before heading into the bedroom (if you so desire). 

2. Hand stuff

Hands are great! They are way more dexterous than genitals so you can really make sure you’re hitting all the right spots. Digital (finger) penetration may feel more accessible than other types of penetration, but it’s not necessary for a good time. Think about adding gloves to the mix! They can lessen friction for some extra slippery fun, but also, black nitrile gloves? Hot. 

3. Get your grind on 

Grind on each other, grind on a toy. Grinding (also known as “frottage” or dry humping) oftentimes gets thought of as what fumbling teenagers do in the back of a car, but it can be pleasurable (and super fun) no matter what anatomy you have. Grind on your partner’s thigh or hand. Hop on top of your partner and put a toy between your bodies for mutual grindage (Kiwi is great for this!). 

4. Sensation play 

The whole body can be an erogenous zone! If you’ve never explored sensation play before, start with your hands (or your partner’s hands). Tickle, caress, squeeze, spank! Start gently and work your way up if you like. If you find that you enjoy this, you can invest in tools like pinwheels, feathers, or floggers!  If you’ve been experiencing painful sex for awhile, this can help your body start to reassociate intimacy with pleasure instead of pain.

5. Consume erotic material

There are so many ways to consume erotic material together! You’re bound to find at least one that you can agree on. Watch porn, look at erotic photos, or read erotica to each other. Listen to an erotic audiobook. Find something you like on your own, then come together (heh) and share it.

Looking for even more ways to have sex without penetration? Check out more ideas here!

What this means for the future of your sex life 

Our suggestions are for anyone, not just those who have pelvic pain! If you’re looking to expand your sexual repertoire and explore different ways of being close, any and all of these suggestions are a great place to start. We know that it can be super frustrating to perhaps not be able to have the kind of sex you used to have and enjoy (in the “before pelvic pain” times), but expanding our ideas of fulfilling sex can lead to a future of even better sex all around!  

Sex therapist Elle Hawkins says of their clients who experience painful sex, “Often, [they] will hear me say, ‘I do believe we will be able to get you to a place where you have a sex life that you find enjoyable and worthwhile. But also know, it is likely that sex life may not look like what you think it does.’ And often, when we get there, they will say that reflection was spot on.”