Supporting Yourself and Your Partner When Sex is Painful

Here at The Pelvic People, we talk a lot about painful sex from the perspective of the people living with conditions that cause pain during sex like vestibulodynia, vulvodynia, vaginismus, endometriosis, pelvic inflammatory disease, adenomyosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, ovarian cysts, fibroids, and others. This is an incredibly important conversation to have, especially since so many people out there are still dealing with their symptoms on their own, without any support. But this time, we’re going to focus on a different side of the conversation – how chronic painful sex impacts the partners of people. Because, let’s be honest, pain during sex is hard for everyone in a relationship. 

Though the partners of people with pain don’t have to deal with the physical pain or the shame of feeling like their bodies are defective, they do have to deal with the myriad challenging thoughts, feelings, conversations, and sometimes outright conflicts that can arise when sex brings more pain than pleasure. 

To gain some insight, we went straight to the source – the partners of people with conditions that cause chronic genital and/or pelvic pain and consequently, pain during sex. They shared their experiences, humbly admitted to the mistakes they made along the way, and imparted the important things they’ve learned along the way. 

We also spoke to Dr. Kate Balestrieri, the founder of Modern Intimacy and a sex therapist who’s helped numerous couples navigate their struggles with sexual function. 

These conversations revealed some great tips about how the partners of people who experience painful sex can support their partners and themselves.

A lot of big feelings come up when sex doesn’t go the way everybody involved expects it will. As Dr. Balestrieri told us, “Many people have a lot of charge around sex and want it to be this really positive thing. So when there's pain happening, it can be confusing, it can be scary, it can feel really inhibiting.”

Both partners will likely feel frustrated that things didn’t happen the way they wished they would. 

In the moment when sex doesn’t go as expected, and both partners have all these big feelings smoldering just below the surface, it’s hardly surprising that people don’t behave their best. 

“I don’t want to sugarcoat my experience by saying that I have always been a compassionate and caring partner,” said Henry, whose partner Jessica spoke to us for our recent article on dating with chronic genital and/or pelvic pain. “Frankly, there have been moments when my partner needed me as her number one ally, and I was not there to completely support her.”

Steven, whose partner JoEllen also shared her experiences with us in the dating article, echoed Henry’s experiences. 

“Frustrations at each other and ourselves are common… Especially in the moment after a failed attempt at sex, it's easy to fall into the negative emotions.”

Dr. Balestrieri emphasized that saying or doing the wrong thing in that moment doesn’t have to be the end of the world, or the relationship, as long as both partners do the work to hold themselves accountable and prioritize repair. 

“You don't have to be perfect… You take accountability for that, be humble and really work toward repair in a way that centers your partner if there's been something said that's hurtful.”

Open and honest communication about emotions, including the uncomfortable ones, is undoubtedly an essential part of a healthy relationship. However, the when, where, and what matters a lot when communicating about the feelings that come up when one partner experiences pain during sex. 

Though both partners are probably dealing with difficult emotions when pain happens during a sexual encounter, the priority has to be the partner who is in pain, not the partner who isn’t in pain. Think of it like this:

Imagine you've had a bad flu for the past two weeks—fever, snot, aches, the whole nine yards. Your partner has been taking care of you, which—sure—isn't easy! That's hard work. But imagine if your partner kept coming to you about how hard it is to take care of you and they wish you would just get better already. You might be like... "Hey! That's not fair. I have the flu. I literally feel SO. BAD." It's like that. 

Those flu-caretaker feelings are valid, but they shouldn't be processed with you.

Dr. Balestrieri explained that for the partner not experiencing pain, “leading with connection is really important.”

She continued, saying, “It's okay to be aware of how you're feeling in the moment. You can also provide care, nurturance, and empathy to your partner so that the two of you have an opportunity to grieve together, which can be really connected. Beautiful. And when I say grieve, I don't mean you're necessarily grieving this big existential crisis, but even if it was like this moment didn't go the way we wanted it to, and what a bummer because we care about each other and we wanted a moment to go a certain way.” 

Back to the flu analogy: it might feel really nice to gripe with your partner about how much the flu sucks and how much you miss going out together.

Steven agreed that, in the moment, “there's more responsibility on the non-pain partner to keep their head clearer to help their partner come back down from the painful experience and to debrief afterwards if necessary… If you're not countering the negative messages that the pain and anxiety are whispering or even screaming in their ear about how they're disgusting and a failure whose body is broken are the only messages they're getting. So during aftercare, I try to explicitly give positive, reassuring statements expressing love and affection while she catches her breath and cries out some emotions.”

This doesn’t mean that the partner who isn’t experiencing pain should just ignore or bury their feelings. It’s essential for them to process their own feelings so they don’t build up into resentments that could fuel conflict in the future. But Dr. Balestrieri suggested that non-pain partners process with someone other than their partner first. 

“It's okay to feel however you feel. You can feel frustrated, you can feel angry, you can feel disappointed, and my suggestion to you would be to find a professional to talk to about that,” she said. “Or another trusted person who's going to help you metabolize your emotions, so you're not bringing that to your partner in an undigested way.”

Talking to a neutral person or a professional allows the partner who isn’t experiencing pain to say exactly what they’re feeling, as bluntly as they’d like, without triggering or hurting their partner’s feelings. This also gives them the opportunity to identify what they do need to tell their partner and how to say those things with kindness, compassion, and empathy. 

When it’s time to have a conversation as a couple, both people need to come prepared to actively listen, validate their partners thoughts and feelings, and avoid criticism, blame, or shame. 

Many couples also look for tools that help reduce pressure and make pleasure feel more accessible, especially when penetration isn’t an option.

Talking openly and honestly about your feelings, actively listening, and validating each other establishes the trust and strong foundation couples need before they can embark on the adventure of rediscovering sexual pleasure with each other. This adventure requires both partners to:

• Relearn a lot of what they know about sex and intimacy
• Practice radical honesty
• Hear difficult feedback
• Think outside the box
• Stretch their comfort zones
• And compromise

This is hard work for both of you, but if you’re both ready to put in the work, it can only benefit your relationship. 

Henry suggested, “Create a space where you and your partner’s needs are met without criticism or unrealistic expectations.” 

For Henry and his partner, this looked like actively listening to his partner as she described the activities that hurt and she wanted to avoid, but also the activities she wanted to try.

“When I provided a space for my partner to share her feelings, I found out that her desire for sex never stopped,” he said. “We talked about what we wanted in bed, and the best way for both of us to have sex.”

Henry said it was also important for him to learn “that asking for something does not make you a selfish person, but it will ultimately be your partner’s decision that makes the final call.”

Henry suggested, “Try new positions, use toys, get creative, and don’t feel ashamed to use other resources to find what you like.” He added, “People, me included, aren’t taught that sex feels better when both partners are enjoying themselves!”

The process of actually figuring out what can work for both people isn’t an easy process, though. It requires a lot of conversations outside of the bedroom so both people are prepared before they’re in the bedroom actually experimenting. These conversations also build trust, which can help the partner who experiences pain relax and let go of tension held in their body. In some cases, this can significantly reduce pain during sex, Dr. Balestrieri told us. 

Experimenting with new sexual activities to find out what’s pleasurable and what causes pain also requires active communication during sexual activities. 

Henry said, “During sex, I made sure we could openly communicate to make our experience pleasurable. Whenever I felt my partner wince in pain, I would check in with her. The idea that asking questions during sex is a ‘turn-off’ must stop.”

Though it can feel like check ins during sex interrupt the moment or kill the mood, checking in, trying something different, and finding pleasure is much better than having to stop the entire encounter because of pain. Couples can practice communicating with each other in the moment, asking what feels good and what doesn’t, and directly asking for the things they want to try together. 

Supporting a partner who struggles with painful sex while also taking care of yourself is no simple task! But it is something you can work on over time, and there’s a good chance that you’ll be able to give and receive pleasure without pain ruining it. 

Looking for some resources on alternatives to penetrative sex? Check out our blog!