Love Mapping Exercises: A Guide to Deeper Connection
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Time to read 7 min
Want to know the scariest word in the human language? Vulnerability. Yup, you read that right. It’s not “murder” or “zombie” or even “moist;” it’s “vulnerability.” That’s because when you allow yourself to be vulnerable—truly vulnerable—you’re putting yourself at a major risk. Trusting that the person you’re being vulnerable with isn’t going to take advantage of that vulnerability and hurt you is terrifying.
But vulnerability isn’t just about risk; it’s also about reward. When you’re vulnerable with your partner you’re creating the space to deepen your relationship. You’re saying, “Hey, this is who I really am. I want you to know me—and I want to know you, too.”
Unfortunately, however, most humans focus more on the potential risk than the potential reward. (That’s just survival instinct!) So it’s probably not surprising that most of us are pretty bad at being vulnerable, even with those we love and trust the most. And that’s where love mapping comes in.
Love mapping can be a great tool for creating vulnerability and intimacy for any couple, but it’s especially useful for couples who are experiencing pain during sex. While love mapping may not directly address the physical causes of painful sex, it can help improve the emotional connection between you and your partner, which can lead to a more positive and supportive sexual relationship.
Having painful sex can make both you and your partner feel super vulnerable. It often brings up feelings of frustration, shame, and even anger. These negative emotions can create a cycle of avoidance and distance, which can damage your emotional connection. By being vulnerable and creating love maps together, you and your partner can express your emotional needs and work together to create a supportive and loving sexual relationship.
Table of Contents
What is love mapping?
Before we talk about mapping one, we have to define what a “love map” even is. The concept of the love map was introduce by Dr. John Gottman, of the Gottman Institute, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
In that book, he defines the love map as “that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life.” In other words, it’s all the little details about your loved one that you’ve stored away over time. Love mapping, then, is the process of creating that love map.
Love maps are an essential part of the Sound Relationship House theory, a metaphor that Dr. Gottman created to help couples build strong relationships that are rich in friendship, trust, and intimacy. The love map is the “ground floor” of the Sound Relationship House, i.e. the essential element that the rest of the relationship is built upon.
The other “floors” of the “house” (or essential elements of a relationship) include sharing fondness and admiration, turning toward each other instead of away, maintaining a positive perspective, managing conflict, making life dreams come true, and creating shared meaning. Finally, the entire “house” is held up with “walls” of Trust and Commitment.
The Gottman Institute https://www.gottman.com/
Why is love mapping important?
Love mapping is important for several reasons. It helps you deepen your emotional connection, improve communication, identify areas of common interest, and prevent relationship problems. Long story short, it gives you and your partner a time and space to vulnerable with each other and share things that you might not otherwise share.
When it comes to couples experiencing painful sex, love mapping has some additional specific benefits.
Encourages open communication: By asking open-ended questions and actively listening to each other's responses, you and your partner can create a safe and non-judgmental space to discuss your concerns and feelings about sex.
Builds trust and intimacy: Love mapping involves sharing personal information and vulnerabilities, which can help build trust and intimacy and create a more positive and supportive sexual relationship.
Improves emotional connection: By learning more about each other's desires, preferences, and needs, you and your partner can deepen your emotional connection, which can create a more fulfilling sexual relationship. Additionally, many couples find that being more tuned-in emotionally helps them communicate when one partner is in pain during sex.
Helps identify possible causes: Love mapping can help you identify possible emotional or psychological causes of painful sex, such as anxiety or past trauma, which can then be addressed through therapy or counseling.
It's important to note that painful sex can have physical causes as well, like infections or certain medical conditions. In these cases, it's important to seek medical attention to rule out any underlying medical issues.
Tools to support your journey
How do you build a love map?
You don’t have to be a cartographer to build a love map—just like you don’t have to be a contractor to construct a Sound Relationship House. (Side note: That’s kind of a mixed metaphor there, Dr. Gottman…) All you need is yourself, your partner, and a willingness on both sides to share and listen.
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Step 1: Set aside time
First things first, choose a time when you and your partner can sit down together without any distractions. Put your phones away and make sure you have plenty of time to talk, listen, and explore each other's interests.
Step 2: Ask open-ended questions
Now it's time to ask some open-ended questions. These types of questions allow your partner to share more about themselves and their experiences, and help you learn more about each other. Here are some examples to get you started:
What are your favorite childhood memories?
What are your long-term goals and aspirations?
What are your passions and hobbies?
What are your fears and concerns?
What kind of life do you envision for yourself in the future?
And here are some love-mapping questions to ask if you’re specifically working on building deeper intimacy and vulnerability around painful sex:
- How do you feel about our sexual relationship?
Have you experienced pain during sex? If so, when did it first start?
How does the pain affect you emotionally and physically?
Are there any particular activities or positions that cause more pain than others?
How do you feel about discussing this issue with me? Are there any concerns or worries you have about bringing this up?
How can we work together to make sex more comfortable and enjoyable for you?
Are there any activities or forms of intimacy that you feel comfortable exploring while we work on addressing the pain?
How can I best support you through this process?
If you’re looking for more guided prompts while to navigate building a love map, Playdate is a great tool to help you keep the conversation going.
Step 3: Listen actively
As your partner responds to your questions, listen actively and with an open mind. Avoid interrupting or judging their answers, and try to empathize with their perspective. This is not the time to argue or disagree, so just focus on understanding your partner. The goal of love mapping is to deepen your emotional connection and create a safe and supportive space to discuss difficult topics, painful sex included.
Step 4: Take notes
Take notes as your partner shares information with you. This can help you remember important details about their interests, values, and experiences. Plus, it shows your partner that you care enough to remember these things!
Step 5: Share your own answers
After your partner has answered your questions, it's your turn to share! Take turns sharing your own answers. This helps you both understand each other better and deepens your emotional connection.
Step 6: Use your love map
Refer back to your love map frequently to remind yourselves of each other's interests and values. Use this information to plan date nights, surprises, and other activities that show your partner how much you care. Surprise your partner with a special outing or gift that reflects something you learned during your love mapping session.
Does it still seem scary? That's understandable—vulnerability is a powerful force that carries both major risks and mega rewards. But while it's natural to focus on the potential risks of vulnerability, it's important to remember that the rewards can be profound.
Whether you're experiencing pain during sex or just looking to strengthen your relationship, love mapping can be a valuable tool to help you build a stronger, more fulfilling connection with your partner. So why not give it a try and see what happens? Once you get over that fear, you might be pleasantly surprised at how the results can be.
Being vulnerable isn’t scary, it’s powerful. Opening up to your partner can deepen trust and connection.
Your love map is all the little details you know (and can learn) about your partner that make your relationship stronger.
Love mapping helps you talk openly, support each other, and navigate tough moments, like painful sex, together.
Set aside time, ask questions, really listen, share your own answers, and use your map in daily life
Regularly revisit your love map to show care, plan thoughtful gestures, and keep your relationship thriving.
The Author || Emma McGowan
Emma is the Editor in Chief of the sex positive sexual health site Sexual + Being and the sex tech website Kink&Code. Emma McGowan also previously did freelance blogging and content editing for a startups.
Additionally, Emma McGowan's hobbies include making patterns and sewing, connecting with other women, and reading at least three books a week. Emma speaks Spanish fluently and spent her 20s traveling and living around the world. Her favorite places to live are Guatemala and Argentina and she hopes to never stop traveling. Follow her on Twitter @MissEmmaMcG.
